My wife, having just finished reading a novel, handed it to me with the comment, “you will probably like this – the character made me think of you”.  Before she could finish her comment, I thought to myself, Wow, he must be some swashbuckling hero, or maybe a renaissance man, or a hunky Prince Charming guy, or a movie star that saves the world, or a sexy Tango dancer.  “He’s an old curmudgeon” she said as she walked away.  Whoa – Earth to Dan!

Am I really an old curmudgeon? Let me see. I do seem to be a little set in my ways, just a little. Maybe I do seem to make comments to others under my breath or even shout out loud if I think it will help. You know- simple helpful phrases to strangers like “dumbshit” when they don’t use their turn signal – Ever! Or the dumbshit that absolutely cannot put all four tires between the white lines in the parking spot! There is the dumbshit that parks right outside the Harris Teeter store entry door when there are clearly a gazillion parking spots not being used.  Oh and the dumbshit that I have to yell at because he drives too fast down my street. (Sometimes I jump out in the street and give him hand signals to slow down-apparently he hasn’t learned sign language yet – the dumbshit.)  There is the dumbshit neighbor that parks his truck in his front yard. “We live in the city and there are rules- this is a civilized society ya dumbshit”.  He just waves. There are the dumbshit baristas at Starbucks. Every time I visit they say “what is your name again?” And I always say “my name is still Dan”. So 20 minutes later some dude or dudette yells out “Grande white mocha, no whip for Don”. Even my 4 year old grandson can tell a lower case ”a” from an “o”.

I do have a habit of looking out the front door, and much like the town crier, telling my wife the minute by minute goings on of all the neighbors.  Important stuff like who is home and who is not, how they should do better mowing their lawns, who has visitors, who hasn’t picked up the package off their porch. I am just curious, not nosy. I tell all the birds in the back yard what is going on and they don’t call me a curmudgeon – well maybe Bob the squirrel does.

I can’t help it that the baggers in the store have their head up their butts when they bag the bread Under the bottle of milk- “here let Me bag those ya dumbshit” not out loud of course. Or that the city always knocks over my trash can when they unload it blocking the sidewalk – “what-  they can’t take 30 seconds and fix it?”

Actually the book was very good – it made me laugh and cry.  It is called “A Man Called Ove”. I will not spoil the plot but you should read it.

I would tell you more about the book but gotta go now – the mail carrier is coming and she never puts the mailbox lid down right when she brings the mail – dumbshit.