Wow, I am a retired 68 year old grandpa and for absolutely no good reason I decided to become an “actor”. Apparently dementia has started to settle in. I made a decision to audition for a Shakespeare production. Yes, this is an actual professional theater group. The lead actors get paid and the amateurs get a T-shirt (I hope). So I figured I could do this – I have done public speaking, I love Shakespeare Theater, and I have the confidence to pull this off – or so I thought!
I chose, as was suggested, to prepare a short monologue to present at my audition. I decided to present the opening monologue from Richard III. How hard can it be? So I practiced day and night. I would add a line or two every day until I was able to do the required amount for my star presentation. I would recite to the couch and Grandfather clock in the living room. The clock smiled and rewarded me with chimes. The couch had no opinion but never criticized. This was coming along nicely. I could get up to three times without stopping or without error. Feeling good about my progress, I moved the recital to the outside deck. I would present my speech to the birds and squirrels in the back yard. After a few days, they began to show their appreciation. The birds would say “good job Dan, we’re counting on you”. The squirrels would stop and say “bravo good man, you’ve got this”. At least that’s what I thought they were saying. Things were looking good. There was just one more hurdle – I needed to test my monologue in front of my harshest, most honest critic and #1 fan – Peg. After a brief stumble at the beginning followed by much cursing (note to self not to do same at actual audition), I righted the ship and received accolades from my loving audience of one. Even the clock chimed in. I was now ready.
On the day of the audition Peg and I arrived precisely at the time they would start the process. I was second in line. People were beginning to arrive and filling out forms. I was starting to get nervous, I mean really nervous. I had never memorized lines before. Hell, I need to make a written list for more than 3 items when I go to the grocery store. I have never auditioned for anything in 68 years. Unless I count my proposal to Peg – and that was just as scary. A voice came from near the entrance to the official audition room. “Dan; Dan Manross? – you are next”. Peg had to stay outside with the potential actors gathering in groups so the last morsel of my moral support was now taken from me.
I entered into the audition room and started pacing. I asked if I could use the bathroom. There was no escape window. I came out and went back to pacing. Apparently I was really making a big circle in the room because I heard my name called and noticed someone had been following in my footsteps like following bread crumbs through the forest. The director said – “Dan, he just wants to say hello and shake your hand” (It was the Director’s husband simply being cordial). And then he left the room. Now it was just me, the Director and assistant director (who is also the lead actor)! I had no place to hide, and they were just smiling and staring at me. I felt like an old fangless cobra being watched by two mongooses.
“Whenever you are ready” came the Director’s voice. That was the cue apparently to start. Nothing else was said – just smiles and stares. Where are my birds, where are my squirrels? I thought I saw some through the window that maybe followed me for support – no chance – these were mocking birds! So I had no choice, I started my monologue…
I know there were words coming out of my mouth, my lips were moving. It was like I was the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons and all the Director heard was “Mwa, Mwa, Mwa…”. After I had said about one line I saw the assistant director twitch his head and start writing things down on a pad. “Hey buddy, can’t you see that I am talking here” is what my mind was saying. What was he writing? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Did I talk too fast, too slow, too high pitched, please don’t keep writing. Panic would be a mild description. If I pee my pants would they notice? Why is he writing? Then it happened…
I froze! I stopped talking mid sentence. I had forgotten the next word. That was just not possible – I was saying these lines in my sleep. Nothing I had imagined was as bad as this was becoming. I looked up and they were still smiling and staring. I was the proverbial deer in the headlights! After what seemed like hours passing by (probably 2 seconds) I got back on track and continued my monologue – by now drenched with invisible tears. I stumbled once again somewhere along the line but by then I was defeated, I just wanted to hear the final word of the monologue cross my lips. Then it was finally over – I assumed my new burgeoning career was also over. The Director said something like “that was fine, we have all made those kinds of mistakes along the way, now let’s have you read with the lead actor”.
I was asked to read lines from the actual play as the character I was auditioning for along with the character in the play who I would be acting with, who turned out to be the man with the notepad who had just watched me fall apart. So we read a few paragraphs together (no memorizing needed, so I thought) – well, I read, but apparently he knows every line for every character. So we finished and I was starting to feel a partial piece of dignity returning when the Director said “ok then, I see you can read, but now let’s try it again only with some feeling and emotion shall we?”. Can I use the bathroom again? Why can’t Peg barge in and save me? They were staring and smiling again. So I read the scenes again with all the emotion I could muster with peed pants and a broken soul. THEN, the Director said “I’d like to see you do one more thing – I want you to show me how you can lie down”. There is a scene in the play where the old man is weary and hungry and decides to halt the journey and just lie down and doesn’t wish to go any further. I said “you want me to just lie down”? “Yes” said the director so I pretended to be weary and worn out (did not take much pretending at this point) and just mumbled a few ad lib things and laid down on the floor.
I got up and they talked for a minute and were very nice to me and the Director said “that was very good – when you lied down – that was good”. So I committed to humiliating myself for a chance at a new adventure- the start of my “acting” career and the best thing I could do was lie down. The Director said I would be notified after all the auditions were completed next week.
As Richard the III so finely put it… “and that so lamely and unfashionable that dogs bark at me as I halt by…” I can never face the birds and squirrels again – well, maybe lying down.

P.S. – I got the call – I got the part.