Here we go again. This was my third audition for an acting part in a Shakespeare play. Like the first two auditions, I was nervously anticipating failure prior to my brief monologue. They suggest a minimum monologue length of one minute. That’s like an hour and a half in my mind. If you talk really slowly and get dramatic with lots of gestures, you can stretch a 40 second one to the minute!

This time when my 20 second monologue was done the new director had me “cold read” lines from the play to see how I would interact with others. Geez, it’s like being in preschool again and my report card said “doesn’t play well with others”. I don’t know why it’s called a “cold” read because I was sweating like crazy. She had me keep reading with different fellow actors – maybe someone would be compatible she thought. Then she had me read as a different character. Not sure why – my cracking nervous shaking monotone voice would sound the same if I read for any part. Ironically, I got the part for a character I never read for. Maybe she thought – well he didn’t mess that one up. It felt like my audition was longer than the play.

You would think I had learned my lesson by now! This one has more lines- lots more lines – so I must be insane to do this. The young real thespians in the play (they are all young – I am an official “white beard”) don’t realize that at my age I can’t remember what I had for breakfast let alone remembering a group of words that I am supposed to automatically spew forth with perfect emotion and articulation upon hearing the verbally appointed cue. They don’t realize I spend most of the day saying “What did I just say?”, or “Wow, it’s so shiny”.  I had to read my marriage proposal to my potential wife so I didn’t mess it up (it was pretty good though – it worked).  I am a strong proponent of name tags so I don’t forget people’s names. I have a large group of friends named “hey-you”. George Foreman had the right idea naming all 5 of his sons George – brilliant! I don’t have pets because I can’t remember their names – If they ran away, I couldn’t call them back. I just call all animals Bob. I often call our granddaughters by their mothers’ name.

I guess the phrase “a glutton for punishment” is appropriate. I keep putting myself in these stressful situations for the love of Shakespeare. I should have been a fan of silent movies instead.

The director for this play is young, enlightening, professional, kind, dedicated, beautiful, and has a wonderful manner, (have I sucked up enough yet?). She told me that she wouldn’t yell at me – ha – we will see! I think there is a Vegas line to see how many rehearsals it will take. The over/under is 4. Come to think of it, she doesn’t need to yell – she has “The Stare”. She just gets totally quiet and looks at you- never blinks- and then for good measure she adds The Smile – and never says a word! I saw it once – I froze- my blood stopped flowing – I wanted to apologize for everything I did wrong since 8th grade! I’ll take the yell please.

Our play, The Merry Wives of Windsor, is being set in the suburbs in the 1990’s. I still have socks and ties from the 70’s so wardrobe will not be an issue.  BTW – I have been cast as a very distinguished, wealthy, middle aged man- now that my friend is called acting!

* As of this writing, the play is on hold due to Covid 19.*  (Great – that just gives me more time to be nervous!)