“To be, or not to be. That is the question”. Do I want to be in another production or not – now That is the question. But That means another audition – you’ve read how those turn out (blogs # 58 & 66). The production is Hamlet and the director is a new one and she really knows her stuff.  She doesn’t know me yet, so I can’t play the poor sad friend card on her – I will actually need to do an audition.

She said “just submit a tape of one of your performances” since it is a zoom production because of Covid, there won’t be any in-person auditions. Sure – all the other actors are real actors – they can pull something off a DVD, or production reel from a big play they were in or maybe some movie or commercial. They probably have audition tapes on catalogued flash drives. The only performance of me on You Tube is my “father of the bride” toast at my oldest daughter’s wedding. (It was pretty good if I say so myself).  

I’m like the donkey in the manger scene compared to the others auditioning. I was a shepherd once in the manger scene in grade school for our church Christmas play.  I proudly showed up in my costume right on time in the sanctuary.  It was the wrong night.  Everybody else was there all dressed up for a musical concert – they just turned and looked at me as I entered. Traumatized, I just froze – then cried – then left the building swearing to never attempt to “act” again. 

So why do I persist in this nightmare? The previous zoom production for Midsummer Night’s Dream, I, panicking, sent in the only video I had of me performing anywhere (no – not that kind) and it was of me wearing a diaper and wings running around with a toy bow and arrow playing Cupid for a Valentines sketch (so – almost that kind). The director was probably so embarrassed and felt so sorry for me I got a part as an old man – which made my third old man part in a row. I’m sure she destroyed the video and has tried to block it from her memory. That was an image that is hard to forget. Valentine’s Day will never be the same for those unfortunate audience members.

So back to my new audition conundrum. I have no video, I’m not on IMDb like all the others, and can’t bluff my way thru this hired gun Director – so what to do? I certainly don’t want to be lame and just read some lines, which really isn’t a true audition, so what’s the plan? Do I really want to be in this? Of course I do. So, I had been working on a monologue from Richard II – why, I don’t know – I thought everybody walked around muttering Shakespeare monologues in their spare time. Don’t they? Besides, I love the Dick monologues – you know, Richard the II and Richard the III!

So, let’s do this – I set up my iPhone – I have nothing but the most official videography equipment – ha. I hit the video record button and decided to give it a shot – it may take twenty tries but I have to get a one-minute monologue without interruptions. I started the speech. A minute and a half later I had reached a point that was at my “I can’t remember any more words” point, which actually doesn’t have anything to do with auditions. I had done it! I got thru it by being relaxed and just doing what I had practiced in one take. Habaluya! I sent it off to the director. Who knows if she ever even looked at it – what matters is I got a part – in fact two parts – an old dead man, and a fool – (she must have looked at it!) – typecasting is becoming on me. I see a pattern – but… I am an actor. I hope I show up on the right night