What a beautiful Sunday it was.  Perfect – have coffee, read the paper, do some chores then in the afternoon I can go play a couple hours of soccer in a weekly pick up match, and then settle in to watch the NBA playoffs.  Oh wait!  I’m sorry.  That was my alternate universe scenario – no, this was Mother’s Day.  On Mother’s Day I do whatever my lovely bride asks me to do .    And then on Father’s Day I do whatever my lovely bride asks me to do.  And then on our anniversary I do whatever… you see by now that a pattern has been established.  That also explains the huge W I have tattooed on my chest.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I agreed to go with Peg on a new adventure that she had just become interested in through our friend Joni. (Note to self – curse Joni). We were going to have a fun time at Hot Yoga class.  Hot Yoga is known as a form of Bikram Yoga.  It is unofficially known as a form of hell.   It was a popular activity during the Spanish inquisition, and again in the Salem witch trials.

Here is the program – 90 minutes of yoga positions in a room that is kept at 105 degrees – thus “hot” yoga.   Not a minute nor a degree less.  I can do this.  I play soccer, golf, work out, attend water aerobics, dance – piece of cake.  OMG I thought I would die – I hoped I would die.  How do people do this?  Why do people do this?  I was in a room with several female Gumbys  and a teenage boy.   He attended with his mother and sister for their Mother’s Day idea of “fun”.  He is being taught early – I saw the faint outline of the letter W starting to glow on his chest.

I can’t even tie my shoes without falling over – these yoga positions were impossible.   I don’t understand the reason why I should want to put my right leg behind my neck and stick my toe in my left ear while standing on my left leg and my left arm is around my back and in my right ear , in 105 degree heat.  “Now hold for 60 seconds and relax,  just breathe” the instructor would say.

There are 26 “positions” to be performed in multiple sets.  The positions have unusual names such as “half moon”, “standing bow”, “triangle”, “cobra”,  “locust”.   I actually was really good at two of the positions – “awkward pose” and “dead body”  pose!

 An hour had gone by.  It seemed like days.   I had joked to myself before we began that I hoped I would not get in some odd position and fart really loud.  Turned out that was the least of my worries.  Not only do you twist yourself into positions that a man is not meant to be in – but you get to watch your own pain since the entire wall you stare at is all mirror.   I looked like shamu being water boarded!   It got hotter and hotter, and harder and harder.  All the little Gumbys were headlong into their lotus/dead bow/eagle stands, while I kept falling over and groaning.  I thought I was mumbling under my breath when I said to myself  “this is impossible, no way”, but the acoustics must be different when one is twisted upside down and in pain because the instructor would look at me and say to the class “yes, it can be done, just relax into it and breathe”.   That’s like telling someone to relax into it and just breathe as they are being chased by an ax murderer.   It got hotter and hotter.   After what seemed like hours,  the instructor said “now is a good time to relax and take a sip of water”.   A sip of water?  How about a gallon of iced tea and a beer .   Of course I could not move my arms to pick up the water bottle.  My sweat was now sweating.   I couldn’t concentrate on the next position – I was trying to suavely figure out how to throw up and not be caught – oh right – the room is one big mirror!!!

I finally had to surrender – I lost – I am a wuss. I sat and watched the last 10 minutes.  Well I actually couldn’t see much through the tears.  I sat in a pool of sweat and hoped that someday I would be able to stand up to leave the building.  Maybe they could turn off the lights and just let me stay overnight.  On our way out the instructor said “don’t feel too badly – I had a man who weighed over 350 lbs come to class and he had difficulty also”. Obviously I made quite an impression.

Will I try it again? Somehow even with all that heat, the W did not wash off.