I’m not sure what number of days of the quarantine this is for us – somewhere between 50 & 60. Still getting lots of chores done and the yard is looking really good, and Peg is up to 32 windows completed, but 2 days ago we did something quite different. We got tested for covid-19. It was quite surreal- like a sci-fi movie. Now, I have had a “stick in the nose” procedure done many years ago and it was the most painful thing I think I have endured on purpose. It had something to do with a sinus issue if I recall. The doctor took a long metal instrument with a large hunk of gauze at the end of it and shoved it up my nose as far and hard as humanly possible. I swear it was going through my brain! It hurt so bad that I basically blacked out for a moment. After a while he pulled out the metal stick and then slowly pulled out the gauze like he was a magician unraveling multi colored scarves out of a sleeve – I was not amused.

So, having had that experience in the back of my mind- literally – we were going to get tested for covid-19. I read in the paper that testing would be performed in our county for at risk people. We qualified for age and underlying health issues. I called the listed phone number, set up the appointment and received a place and time. Tada! I read that they would be taking a 6” soft cotton swab and “gently” inserting it into the nasal cavity for just a few seconds to get what they needed. Sure – and the CIA gently “persuades” persons of interest until they get what they need!

Upon arriving at the site – we followed the signs into a deserted parking garage (not too ominous) and “patients” followed the signs staying in their cars and waiting instructions from position to position. Policemen directed the cars while nurses dressed in complete hazmat PPE asked questions at each station along the way. It was kinda like a drive through at Wendys – “may I take your order please?” why yes, I would like the 6” cotton swab to be shoved into my brain please. “thank you, please drive to the next station”. I swear as we got closer to our appointed torture chamber – the cotton swabs were getting longer and thicker. By the time we got to our designated destination they were using broom handles instead of cotton swabs – or so my mind played with me. Dear God just give me the virus and send me home now!

The car came to a final halt and we were approached by two astronauts each with two masks and two pairs of gloves – with what appeared to be a javelin they were going to thrust up my nose – I thought with lip quivering. They calmly gave their names (probably not real) and told us what they were about to do and they said it smiling – how dare they – I know their tricks! My wife went first. She never complains of any pain – ever – she is a warrior- when they were done with her – she looked at me and said “Oh yeah It hurts”. OMG let me out now – one of the astronauts was already blocking my door. I was trapped. She put her grinning face toward the car and told me to roll down my window and put my head back. What do I do? There was a line of cars waiting behind me – should I jump out and warn them?  It was too late to put the car in reverse and escape.  I succumbed to the grinning PPE person and did what I was told. What if I pass out? or worse cry like a baby? She shoved the pitchfork up my nose and started counting – I remembered that they counted slowly to 5 when they did my wife. When “Vlad the Impaler” got up to 37 – well it seemed that long! it was over – and yes it hurt. But it was important, I think everyone should get tested.

Actually, the nurses were totally professional, kind, and absolutely prepared to offer a safe and secure environment providing a monumental service. It was not a broom stick, or pitchfork they held – it was really a magic wand. Something we can use in these dark times.