Today provided one of the strangest events of my lifetime – and I am 71 yrs old. I have known for a while that I have MGD – Meibomian Gland Dysfunction which is a stupid fancy made up name for having dry eyes. My current eye Dr has been rather insistent that I get treatment for this so it will not impact my vision as I get even older. That or he just needed a Christmas bonus. So today I went to the eye Dr to get my “LipiFlow Thermal Pulsation Treatment”. Sounds like something I would need to undress for!

I was taken to a back room by a nurse attendant where I was met by another nurse attendant. They welcomed me in and closed the door. To my surprise yet another person stepped out from behind the door and introduced herself.

Now I have to interrupt here and make a clear statement – this person was dressed in black, had black hair and spoke with a very distinct accent – imagine yourself watching an old Bela Lugosi black and white Dracula movie – you know – we’ve all done the impression as kids “ I vont to bite your neck” as we throw our cape up around our neck. Even The Count on Sesame Street has it down. That was her! She had the exact same accent – must be from Transylvania! – Anyway – as you read the rest of this account you MUST read the italicized, bolded words with the Dracula accent! Her name was Katta (that’s what I remember – it sure wasn’t Suzy or Linda).

So, I am now in the room and I nervously say – “wow- three of you – one to torture me while two hold me down” – Two of the assistants laugh. Katta says “you are funny man Mr. Moontross. Let me explain what we will be doing to you today.” I then said “I haven’t seen you before – are you new to this office?” “You are correct – I travel many places and today I am here to teach these others how to do this experiment”. I’m sure she said treatment but the voice was scaring the crap out of me. “I want to make sure you are very comfortable Mr. Mantruss, are you comfortable? I want you to sit back – there you go – and tilt your neck back so your head is tilted. There – perfect- it looks perfect. Let me explain what is going to happen to you.” (I immediately thought of Wesley on the rack in The Princess Bride.)

  “We are going to attach this device to your eyeballs (seriously, that’s exactly what she said) and then begin the process.” (The device looked like electric swimming goggles – exactly what you need – electric wires attached to your eyeballs) “So try to relax and I will explain as we go. First, we will attach the right side of the machine to your right eyeball – it will grab right around it – but we will not hurt your cornea. Do you understand? Now my assistant will hold your eyelid completely open while we let the apparatus grab the eyeball. You must look down while she holds your eye open. Perfect – well done – did you hear that suuucking sound? It was wonderful – it means we have perfect contact with the eyeball.” They do the left eye next – and the apparatus is firmly in place. At some point during the introductions, one of the nurses had left the room, but now that I am eyeballed up – she returns and asks if I had medical power of attorney and a living will on record!!!! Says thanks and leaves. So that was not helpful.

“Let me tape these down – just in case you make sudden move during the process. So here is what we plan to do… First Phase – it will heat up your eyeballs to 108 degrees Fahrenheit – first the right, then the left – you will enjoy – yes?”  WTF –it said nothing in the brochure about barbecuing my eyeballs. “Second phase it will massage your eyeballs and the Third and final phase is extraction! I immediately said – “hold on a minute – you need to rephrase that last statement or you will be scaring the crap out of your patients, like me. “Heh heh – you are funny man Mr. Montruse… but yes you are right – phase three it will extract the old glandular fluid out of each eye.”

While I was laying back in the chair going through this I said “geez for this much money you should include a mani pedi while I’m sitting here”.  “You are funny man – he is funny man – yes?” The nurse attendant chuckled nervously and agreed. The whole process took 12 minutes and every phase felt not uncomfortable and exactly as she stated. Phase two was the massaging of the eye – pulsing back and forth between each eye and she said “this is good, yes? It feel like milking cow – you can hear machine moo!”  I have no remembrance of what phase three felt like – I couldn’t get my mind off the cow. When it was all done, she removed the tape and unhooked the attachment from my eyes. It felt like pulling a suction cup from a window. Katta was the only one remaining in the room and said “how many fingers do I hold up?” (as she held up 2 fingers). I said “two” of course. She said, “I thought you would be funny man and say three. By the way – I took picture of you – what is your phone number so I may put in phone to send you photograph.” (I think at some point in the process I said “this is really weird – it would make a cool photo”.) So now Dracula has my phone number.

She gave me instructions for eye drops and eye gel and then said “let me teach you how to blink – most peoples do not know how to blink – do as I do and then repeat.” (She kept staring at me and blinking over and over– I think she was trying to hypnotize me!) “You can do this when you stop at traffic light – yes? or during commercial on tv. I will leave now – you go now. You come back in one year – we do again!”

I’m afraid now I will start blinking nervously every time I see the Count on Sesame Street! And, of course our house abuts a huge ancient cemetery, so I may never close my eyes again!